Wrong Cellar, Captain
by Mustard Lady
Summary: After getting separated from his band of dwarf mateys and little Bilbo in the Mirkwood forest, Jack Sparrow stumbles upon the great Elvin King Thranduil's magnificent, generously supplied wine cellar! We all know Jack and his love for rum. Seems that the Mirkwood elves are not the ONLY ones fond of good wine. Hilarity ensues!
1. Chapter 1 More Surprises!

**I don't own POTC or _The Hobbit. _Ever since watching _The Hobbit _for the first time, I've been thinking, "Really want to see how Thranduil would react if our Jack Sparrow showed up in his palace-_drunk-_ by accident! Now that would be funny!" Hope you enjoy this! Please leave reviews.**

* * *

As the woodland elves prepared for the grand party for the Feast of Starlight that evening, the captured Erebor dwarves fumed and sulked in their cells. Most of them were angry. Thorin was furious! He turned King Thranduil's offer of help down flat, because of how the elf had left them to fend for themselves the first time the dragon Smaug had attacked. But all of them were worried. If they were to reach the Lonely Mountain at the right time, they couldn't stay here, rotting away like common thieves!

"That's it then." Balin, the older and much wiser dwarf sighed. "The deal was our only hope."

"Not our _only _hope." Thorin replied encouragingly. He looked up and down the corridors, looking for their Burglar. And...wondering what had become of their rum-soaked, wobbly-legged buccaneer as well.

* * *

Thranduil was lazily sitting back on his throne, feeling an angry satisfaction for how he'd handled the heated dispute between himself and the future dwarf king. As he sat there like a fine portrait, a few of his best guards unexpectedly came rushing up the steps to him. Thranduil was annoyed, but also curious. He had not sent for them. "Pray tell, what is your urgent business?" He asked. "I have not summoned you." The guards all glanced at each other timidly, as if deciding who was the one they should serve up to the king to speak to him first.

"S-s-Sire?" One of them gulped hard. "W-w-we...there has been...we..."

Thranduil sat forward, glaring. "_What?" _He huffed. _"Speak!"_

"My lord, we...there has been...a _development." _

"Come again?"

"We have had a...mishap." Another guard offered. Thranduil rolled his eyes.

"Do stop mumbling like guilty elflings. Out with it." He growled. He was still not in a good mood, and didn't feel like dealing with trivial matters.

"Sire," Feren, his most trusted guard stepped forward, "we have a bit of a situation down in the wine cellar."

"Indeed." Thranduil breathed. "Don't tell me you have discovered _more _dwarves?! The miscreants."

"Nay, my lord! S-s-something else!" One of the other guards bit his lip. "We thought that you should see for yourself."

Thranduil sat back. "I don't have to see anything."

"Take my word, my lord. You are going to want to see _this!" _Feren insisted. It wasn't like him to urge his king down from his throne.

"_Fine."_ Thranduil muttered and rose from his seat. He led them all the way down to his vast, healthfully supplied wine cellar. There, he found more disgruntled, and confused guards. "Well? What is it?" Thranduil demanded.

"Over there, Sire!" One of the guards pointed worriedly toward the corner behind him, as if he was afraid some vile creature was going to come out and bite him. Thranduil huffed and pushed passed him. What lay before his eyes stopped him dead in his tracks!

Lounging on one of the benches in a most undignified position, was a human man! He was very dirty, his weathered clothes bedraggled, he had dark facial hair and untidy dreadlocks. He clutched a bottle of wine to his chest like a baby. _Thranduil 's wine! _It was completely empty. And on the floor under the bench, lay four more bottles not yet supped. The thief had clearly been intending to have a ball all to himself, but the Elvin wine had obviously overwhelmed his system, and he snored like a pig.

Even as angry and stunned as he was, for once, the great Elvin king was rendered speechless. His newly most unwelcome guest was none other than the infamous pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow!


	2. Chapter 2 CAPTAIN, It's Captain

**After getting separated from his band of dwarf mateys and little Bilbo in the Mirkwood forest, Jack Sparrow stumbles upon the great Elvin king Thranduil's magnificent, generously supplied wine cellar! Hilarity ensues!**

* * *

"He's a pirate!" One of the guards breathed. Thranduil's piercing blue eyes were sizzling.

"How can this be?" He demanded. "Who let this...this filthy sea rat slip passed their allegedly watchful eyes and worm his way into _my _palace?" The king was _not _pleased with this unexpected, intrusive events at all. _First dwarves, and now this?! _He thought. "Which one of you let down your guard? _Which one?" _He squinted dangerously.

"I assure you, Sire, I..." One of the guards swallowed timidly.

"I am not prepared to listen to your lame excuses." Thranduil cut him off. "Remove this infernal trespasser at once! Throw him in the dungeons!"

"Ahem. Begging your pardon, my lord," Feren spoke up, "But I believe each of the cells are already occupied, by the thirteen dwarves." Thranduil stiffened.

"We even had to throw a couple in the same cells to ensure that each would be locked up!" Another guard pointed out. Thranduil squared his shoulders.

_Not what I wanted to hear! _He fumed under his breath. The pirate snorted loudly and began mumbling. Thranduil nodded and the guards drew their bows. Jack was grunting incoherently.

"_Nah...toss him…oi...the whe...oi...me rum...Izzie...no..." _Jack started coming to. _"Noo. Lizzie! Noooo!" _Jack hollered frantically and roughly turning onto his side, tumbled off the bench and collapsed on the floor, breaking the wine bottle he'd been holding as it crashed. Thranduil grew bristled. An entire good wine, just wasted! Jack slowly opened his glazed eyes and wagged his head, which made him dizzy. He grimaced. He blinked as figures in front of him took on blurry forms. Jack smiled and held up his index finger.

"Ahh." He gurgled, clumsily trying to get to his feet. "Might I ask...any of you...could someone...please explain...why is the rum gone?" Jack pouted, growing cross-eyed.

"There is a pirate, _in my palace! In my kingdom!" _Thranduil growled.

"Well, then it's your lucky day!" Jack announced gleefully, still staggering. Then he looked around among the other elves. "Have any of the three of you seen me ship?"

"Silence!" Feren hissed at Jack. "You are in the presence of the Elven king. For goodness' sake, show some respect!"

"_King?" _Jack frowned, still not clear in the head. "Ahh. All right. Where is he?" Jack asked, looking in every direction but right in front of him.

_Someone is going to end up headless before the day is over! _One the guards thought.

Thranduil stepped forward and stood before the drunken pirate, looking down his long nose at Jack. "Do you have _any_ idea who_ I _am, sea dog mutant?" Thranduil narrowed his eyes.

Jack blinked and cleared his throat, trying to focus, but his head felt like a beehive, and his mental acuity felt like cotton balls."Face seems familiar...have I threatened you before?" Jack asked nonchalantly. The elves stepped closer, tightening their hold on their bows, and glared at the pirate. They glanced at their king, anxiously waiting for him to give the order to shoot the interloper.

"If you had threatened Lord Thranduil, you'd be dead!" One of the elf guards hollered. Jack grimaced sourly.

"Oo. Don't think I would particularly like that turn of events." He shuddered.

"You are in the presence of King Thranduil, Son of Oropher, King of the Woodland Realm of Middle Earth." Feren said sternly. Jack winced in concentration.

"Doesn't ring a bell." He shrugged casually.

"Pathetic. Bring him along." Thranduil commanded. The guards grabbed Jack under his arms and dragged him to the throne room.

"Oui, now. We can talk about this." Jack rambled. "P-p-par...I invoke...par...par..." His current hangover IQ was robbing him of clear intellect. "Par..."

"Oh, do shut up, filthy pirate!" One of the elves snarled. Jack threw up his hands in surrender.

* * *

Thranduil dropped down onto his throne with a huff and glowered at the motley intruder as he was dragged before him. The elves dropped Jack and he staggered on his wobbly feet. "Who are you?" Thranduil began his interrogation stiffly. "State your name, pirate."

"Captain...Jack Sparrow." Jack grimaced, holding his head. The rough escort had not eased the buzzing in his head by a long shot. The elves began talking anxiously among themselves. Thranduil did slightly widen his eyes.

"_Jack Sparrow..." _He slurred in a condescending tone, "perhaps you would care to explain..."

"_Captain, _it's _Captain _Jack Sparrow." Jack corrected him. Thranduil clenched his fists.

"I've heard of him!" The guards sputtered. "He's dangerous...the tales they tell of him were said to be mere legend...how did he get here..." Thranduil rolled his eyes.

"Silence." He ordered.

"If I may ask, Your Highny, I invoke the right of..." Jack tried to speak.

"You will address me as I am known!" Thranduil boomed down at him. Jack winced. The yelling hurt his ears.

"With that being...said...I invoke the right of...par...par...what was that..." Jack groaned, truly frustrated. "Parsn...parsnip...no, no, no, that ain't it. Parsley...partner...par...par..."

"Enough of this rambling, you idiot." Thranduil said firmly. _And I thought questioning Thorin Oakenshield was exasperating! At least he didn't speak like a feather brain! Him I could understand. _"Speak, pirate! What are you doing in my realm? Tell me, _Jack Sparrow."_

Jack moaned. _"Captain! _It's _Captain _Jack Sparrow." Thranduil rolled his eyes and palmed his face. He was getting nowhere with this pathetic, sassy, blundering drunk.

"_Captain _Jack Sparrow," He said through gritted teeth, and rose to his feet, "I will ask you again, what are you doing in my kingdom?" Jack was blinking constantly, trying to clear his head.

"Par...par...parlou...parlileui...parlusk...nah! Par...parlis...parsru..." Jack muttered endlessly.

"Enough!" Thranduil growled. "Remove him." He ordered.

"Where do you wish we should put him, my lord?" Feren asked.

"Throw him in with the dwarves. Or...find another dungeon, further underground if you have to. Just get him out of here until I wish to question him again." Thranduil groaned in exasperation. _Why?! _This pirate was giving him mental fatigue.

"Ahh! I've got it!" Jack announced as he was dragged away. "I knew it'd come to me. Parley! Parley, that's it! Parley!" Thranduil scowled at him as he was removed.

"I hate pirates." He muttered.


	3. Chapter 3 Curiosity

**What makes this so fun is listening to POTC Jack Sparrow music while browsing photos of Thranduil's stern, grumpy face!**

* * *

The Elven guards dragged a wobbly-kneed Jack Sparrow down several flights of stairs down to the dungeons. Jack groaned. With every step, he felt his consciousness returning to him with a vengeance! His head swarmed and pounded painfully, his belly felt nauseous, and his sight was still bleary. He felt as if he was tipping from side to side in Anamaria's rowboat on choppy ocean waves.

"Ehh...not that I wish to be complaining, mind you," He moaned dizzily, "but I have faired more steadily on rippling seas."

The elves ignored him as they hauled him about. They didn't know what to make of the stupid pirate or his absent-minded ramblings. But, they did grant him one thing: at least he wasn't swearing, growling, and fending with protest against them like the dwarves had!

Once they reached the dungeons, they halted and Jack lurched forward, losing his footing. "Well? Which one do we throw him in? They're all occupied." One of the guards stated.

"That one." His partner puffed. They dragged Jack to Thorin's cell. The first elf unlocked the cell door, and the two of them grabbed Jack by the scruff of his neck and the seat of his pants and threw him inside like a barrel of apples.

"Oui." Jack groaned, looking back and frowning at them, looking quite put out.

"Jack!" Thorin gasped. The elves shut the door and locked it then departed quickly. "So, they got you too, I see." Thorin curled his lip.

"So it would seem...matey..." Jack winced, holding his head. "Ye all ain't throttled or nothing, right?"

Thorin's face became deadly dark. "Everything but." He muttered coldly. "They've taken our weapons, our belongings! They blindfolded us and bound us, then hauled us here like cattle! And now they throw us in here like common criminals! But why am I surprised? I should've expected no less from the high and might _King Thranduil." _

"Quite an unfortunate turn of events, is it not?" Jack gritted his teeth, slouching back against the wall away from the light, still holding his head. Thorin growled like a badger. _Unfortunate! Ha! _That was a mild, unnerving way to put it. "How many of ye did they manage to catch?"

"All of us! Except...the halfling." Thorin's voice calmed down a few notches.

"Oui? Mister Baggins? Where is our little friend?"

"I do not know. I only know he was not among us, and no one spotted us when those bloody elves corralled us like animals to be brought before the king."

"Maybe he escaped. Or much more better, perhaps he sneaked inside somehow...and is improvising a plan to spring us out of here." Jack hissed in pain. Thorin cocked his head.

"What ails you, Sparrow?" He asked. "The spiders get to ye?"

"Nay, mate. Stumbled into the disgruntled, princessy elf king's very _generous _stash of wine." Jack kept his eyes closed as he answered. "Couldn't help meself, especially after thinking I'd become a tasty morsel to those d- spiders. I tell you one thing, matey. You may not like the princess king, or his pretty, prissy, puffed up, pushy, pointy-eared pawns. But, I have never tasted better wine in me whole life! So, if you don't mind? Should they serve us some eats, could you keep the bristling, hackle-raising, brooding, personal grudges to yourself? I for one, would like another taste of that wine. Savvy?"

_"Ugh."_ Thorin rolled his eyes with his arms crossed and faced the outside of his cell. _Where are __you__, little hobbit?_

* * *

The two guards returned to the throne room. "Well? Did you dispose of the interloper?" Thranduil asked gruffly.

"Ai, my lord. Locked up tight." They answered. "The pirate won't be going _anywhere! _I get the impression that your wine supply has effected him heavily."

"I could do with a bottle myself, given the headache my 'guests' have dropped on me. Fetch me some." Thranduil sighed. One of the elves bowed and hurried away. "Something you want, Keldarean?"

"My lord, you recall how we could not figure out how the pirate came to be in our halls without our knowledge?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Well, we threw Jack Sparrow in with Thorin Oakenshield."

"_**Captain** Jack Sparrow! Did you not hear?" _Thranduil retorted cockily in an exaggeratedly high-pitched voice. Keldarean snickered in surprise, until Thranduil glared at him. "What of it?"

"They know each other, my lord. Thorin didn't demand to be left alone rather than share a cell with a pirate, and he knew his first name. Could be that they were traveling together, but we overlooked the pirate."

"Indeed." Thranduil cocked his head sassily. _"Interesting. _Very interesting." _Perhaps this could work for me. Maybe I will get some cooperation after all. The spidery sea-dog isn't half as stubborn or intelligent as Thorin is. Perhaps he could be persuaded to sympathize with my side of the deal. _"When the pirate has sobered up enough to give me a straight answer, _unlikely, _bring him back to me. I wish to question him again."

"Yes, my lord."

Thranduil smirked to himself. "This day may turn out satisfactory after all!"

* * *

In the meantime, Bilbo had snuck into the large kitchen but almost shrieked out loud when he accidentally backed himself up against the oven to avoid being trampled on or brushed against by the elf cooks. He'd then scurried under the table and dashed for it when the coast was clear, but not without 'borrowing' a slab of cheese and a loaf of bread from one of the counters, to which a bewildered chef began coldly interrogating his fellow cooks. Bilbo slipped out and sat outside, wolfing down the delicacies. It had been days since he and his friends had had food, and he was starving! This had been a miserable week for him indeed. For a hobbit to go without seven meals a day, not even afternoon tea, no food at all for nearly a week is no light matter!

Bilbo kept his ring on as he sat in the shadows, watching elves march to and fro in and out of the kitchen. He'd head rumors that a _filthy, contemptible pirate _had been captured as well! That could only be one person, of course. So, Jack had been arrested too. Bilbo felt lonely. His friends were in there, and this was one delay they could _not _afford, not with Durin's Day fast approaching! He would have to get them out of there, and with all haste!

But...how?


End file.
